I wish I could teleport
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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