Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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