Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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