just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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