thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
