ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
