This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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