those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
