Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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