I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
