Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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