i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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