just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
