it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
