I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize