It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
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if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
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doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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