I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
