so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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