Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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