One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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