Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
