Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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