Umm I'm too high to move.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
