You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
