birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
