you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Randomize
