so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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