So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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