I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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