I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
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