I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
