Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My balls are so social today.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
