Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
How external is "for external use only"?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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