I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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