Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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