Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
