Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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