Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
