There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
