I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I am one with the molecules
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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