I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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