just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
