I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize