I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
