I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
In other news, I just burned my penis
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
