At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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