Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
