i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Boobs are out for the taking
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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