TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
