Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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