Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
