I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
