Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
