I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
