Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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