Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
