Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
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do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.