i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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