im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
