A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
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They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
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Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.